My Brain (22-Sep-2016)


Here’s a perfect example of how my brain works. Do note – if you can’t follow the bouncing jai-alai ball on some level (I will never expect anyone to catch it because Goddess knows I can’t), I understand. Also, understand that we may never get along, because my brain lies to me and sends thoughts on a fast fucked up track and all I can do is try and hold on to see where the ball lands. My brain is only linear on certain occasions. None of them happening in recent memory.


Now then.

*scratches head, STILL trying to sort out the words, for SlothBrain is slothing*

I believe that when I hope for something, when I get excited about something, when I’m genuinely looking forward to something, it will fall through. Crash and burn like the last Space-X Falcon 9 rocket did off the launchpad, taking a satellite with it. (This, by the way, is actually me attempting to be gentle to myself. You may close the page and turn back now, if you’d like. Because the other analogies I had are far, far worse. And I dunno that what I have to say will be any better.)

Fuck it.

Sensei and I were (are…?) supposed to meet up with Sensei’s Journeyman tomorrow. This may now not happen, for whatever reason.

I like the Journeyman. She gets me. She also, I think, is a beautiful, gentle soul who hasn’t once deserved the shit she’s been put through, or puts herself through. It hurts what little is left of my heart to know that. Because I recognize it. On levels that many, if not most outside of us never will understand.

She also scares the living fuck out of me sometimes (not badly. Just…more…*shakes head BBBRRBBRGLLRHRGR*). Hence, she’s the Journeyman.

The Journeyman is here for her own reasons, with others.

Contact has been attempted by Sensei. No word yet. And that’s fine. On my logical (it happens sometimes, shut up) level, perfectly understandable. She’s here on her time. She’s got shit to do with the people she’s with. And, from my understanding, some of those people can be….trying.


I want the meet up to happen. Badly. I want the laughing and the cackling and the jokes and the seriousness and the…Happy.


In my head, I had something to look forward to. To, yes, hope for.


But because I do? It won’t.

It just won’t.


It’s not Sensei’s fault. It’s not the Journeyman’s fault.

It’s mine.

Because I dared to hope for something Happy. Something Good.


Before you say it – NO. IT’S NOT LOGICAL. My brain only works on logic when I force it to, when I put every goddamned last bit of my willpower (lately) into focusing.

But. There you are. And here I are.

I did try to make contact in my own way. *shrug* We’ll see.


Wonder what my brain would look like as a Rube Goldberg schematic.


All I know is that I want the Journeyman to be safe, and happy, and whole.



So. Yeah.


And before you ask?

I’m sober.



Stepping Stone

It’s funny sometimes how one thing may skitter off to bump into another thing that bonks into something else that then collides into another until you’ve pretty much got yourself a full blown avalanche going.

In my case, it’s memories.

I’ve seen this group in concert. First found out about them when I was in my mid-late teens early twenties. Forgot how much I loved them until tonight. And the fact that this was the first song that came up, off the first album I’d owned by them?


(Oddly, an unintended play on words, that.)

New moons may be dark. But them what can walk that path can find the light bits. I’m grateful that I managed it tonight, because it led me back to music that made me happy.





I was going to throw something up (figuratively, not literally) about “Be careful what you wish for, ’cause ya just might get it.”

In my case it’s “Shatter Me”. (Video waaaay below.)

But…apparently there’s a daisy looking up towards the sun as part of this site now, so….

I don’t honestly know if it’s really is there, or if I’ve hit that ‘special’ point where I’ve pretty much completely snapped and am now hallucinating things.


It made me grin. Widely, hugely, and made me laugh so that my poor beleaguered Mugu gave me such evil side-eye…

That’s enough.

Edit as of 11:11pm:

1. The “that’s enough” comment above wasn’t about my cat giving me death-eye, it was about me being happy for a moment.

Which still sounds odd, I grant you.

2. The picture has gone from a daisy towards the sun to a serene beach at sunset…so…yeah.


Edit as of 12:05am:

Cityscape from above looking towards the Empire State building.


Well…wasn’t all that fond of this reality anyway…