My Brain (22-Sep-2016)

So.

Here’s a perfect example of how my brain works. Do note – if you can’t follow the bouncing jai-alai ball on some level (I will never expect anyone to catch it because Goddess knows I can’t), I understand. Also, understand that we may never get along, because my brain lies to me and sends thoughts on a fast fucked up track and all I can do is try and hold on to see where the ball lands. My brain is only linear on certain occasions. None of them happening in recent memory.

 

Now then.

*scratches head, STILL trying to sort out the words, for SlothBrain is slothing*

I believe that when I hope for something, when I get excited about something, when I’m genuinely looking forward to something, it will fall through. Crash and burn like the last Space-X Falcon 9 rocket did off the launchpad, taking a satellite with it. (This, by the way, is actually me attempting to be gentle to myself. You may close the page and turn back now, if you’d like. Because the other analogies I had are far, far worse. And I dunno that what I have to say will be any better.)

Fuck it.

Sensei and I were (are…?) supposed to meet up with Sensei’s Journeyman tomorrow. This may now not happen, for whatever reason.

I like the Journeyman. She gets me. She also, I think, is a beautiful, gentle soul who hasn’t once deserved the shit she’s been put through, or puts herself through. It hurts what little is left of my heart to know that. Because I recognize it. On levels that many, if not most outside of us never will understand.

She also scares the living fuck out of me sometimes (not badly. Just…more…*shakes head BBBRRBBRGLLRHRGR*). Hence, she’s the Journeyman.

The Journeyman is here for her own reasons, with others.

Contact has been attempted by Sensei. No word yet. And that’s fine. On my logical (it happens sometimes, shut up) level, perfectly understandable. She’s here on her time. She’s got shit to do with the people she’s with. And, from my understanding, some of those people can be….trying.

But.

I want the meet up to happen. Badly. I want the laughing and the cackling and the jokes and the seriousness and the…Happy.

 

In my head, I had something to look forward to. To, yes, hope for.

 

But because I do? It won’t.

It just won’t.

 

It’s not Sensei’s fault. It’s not the Journeyman’s fault.

It’s mine.

Because I dared to hope for something Happy. Something Good.

 

Before you say it – NO. IT’S NOT LOGICAL. My brain only works on logic when I force it to, when I put every goddamned last bit of my willpower (lately) into focusing.

But. There you are. And here I are.

I did try to make contact in my own way. *shrug* We’ll see.

 

Wonder what my brain would look like as a Rube Goldberg schematic.

 

All I know is that I want the Journeyman to be safe, and happy, and whole.

 

*shrugs*

So. Yeah.

 

And before you ask?

I’m sober.

 

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