From Me For You

*snerk* How very “Good Samaritan”-ish  of the scriptwriters.

Besides…’Course I’d jump down. Who the hell else is gonna show you where the snack stash is? *grin*

****

The funny (?) thing about the hole is that it’s always been there from the moment you’re born. Always.

If you’re very lucky? You never see it, much less fall into it. It exists, but it’s not a part of your life in any tangible way. Nope. Nuthin’ there. Walkin’ on Sunshine (whoa-ugh). And that’s awesome.

If you’re….like me? You know the hole is there. Beckoning. Calling to you with a gentle siren song of “better to curl up down here than be alone out there”. Which, by the way, is a bloody fucking lie. Because the hole is also the wellspring of your darkest, direst, self-loathing and most hateful thoughts. In some cases you direct all that bleak towards other people, because you want them to hurt as badly as you do. In my case, you direct them inwards. Because I don’t want to hurt other people…I don’t succeed, but…*shrug*  I am a total Master of hurting myself. It’s easier. People don’t get mad at you if you rip yourself apart inside over and over and over again. Because you’re not ripping them apart. (‘Course, most people don’t recognize the fact that you’re gutting yourself on the daily, and even if they do…they’ll take an interest insofar as it suits their needs at that juncture. Then they get bored. After that? You may now proceed with your daily psychic-cutting. They’re done with you.)

And then the hole becomes your comfort zone, where you jump in willingly because at least it’s familiar. It’s dark, it’s cold, but it’s recognizable. It becomes Home in your head.

And then there are those who kinda-sorta see the hole but either don’t want to deal with it or believe it’ll never happen to them. It may be the Bogeyman in your dreams, or the slight shift of a shadow on the ground as you’re walking, but otherwise? Nope nope nope Nope.Org. nope. Those falls, I think, may be the hardest. Because you’ve done your level best to keep everything in your life together and then HEY! There’s a HOLE! And I’m in it! And…I’m…scared. (Individual mileage may vary).

If you’re lucky, you have someone in your life who is an excellent internal spelunker. And when they notice someone who is an excellent internal mountaineer kinda slip off the line, no matter how slowly…they’ll follow you down. And will wait, and talk you through it, all the while recognizing that your experience is yours alone. And no matter how deep you think the hole is, they’ll help you climb out, if you’re willing to let them.

You can’t understand the highest summits until you’ve known the darkest depths.

I actually made my own teeth itch with that last sentence, and I now feel the need to shower…

So…to end with a quote of mine own choosing –

“Your hand opens and closes, opens and closes. If it were always a fist or always stretched open, you would be paralyzed. Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding, the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated as birds’ wings.”

– Rumi

 

 

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