Lorax

Pure. Clear. Innocent.

That’s the meaning of “Catherine”.

Or…at least some of them.

Catherine. Katherine. Kathryn.

Because clearly I have to get this out…give this up…accept it.

*yank*

Dear Aunt Joan.

You were between a rock and a hard place for way too many years. Thank you….

…thank you for using your Voice at my Mom when I snarked off in Gieger’s that night and she grabbed me by the face…

*yank*

…for holding me up with the cast on…

…for teaching me to swim…

..for giving me my first silk shirt even when I thought…knew…Uncle Artie felt it was a waste.

I carry you within me.

*Yank*

And…I’m sorry…that your husband couldn’t…didn’t…let my Mother know about your death until days…after you…were gone…

*YanK*

And then there was the trickle down…

*YANK*

Heh.

I am so sick of the trickle down…because there always is one in my type of family…

“Grandma died Monday.”

 

Artie? I know you were never an exceptional fan of my mother because of her friendship with Aunt Joan…so…I hope you burn in Hell. Truly.

Fuck.

Kathy…

Fuckfuckfuckityfuckfuckfuck.

I…

 

Dammit.

 

Outside Astoria Hospital or whatever it was at that point…waiting…waiting…

Victor came up to me at one point…I don’t think we’d been allowed in yet since we weren’t “family”…

“We’re the Lorax. You know that, right?”

I think I said “I know.”

I’m sure he’ll remember it differently…But…I remember his expression…and his eyes…

I am one half of the Lorax…

Apparently…

I…

Please…forgive me for the images that are coming…

I…have tried to forget them…dammit

 

Kathy, lifeless…a dried trickle of blood dribbling down the left side of her face…because they tried to intubate…

Lifeless…she who was so full of life…even after her stroke…even after her husband died…

You could see it in her eyes…she wasn’t done yet. But…her heart gave up before her soul may have wanted to…

And yet…?

Forgive me…she knew she had to leave…

Fuck.

Agony and then me trying to balance myself…sucking it in and being there for those wot needed me…most? Sucking it in and being the good crisis-girl…stone…while bleeding inside.

“It’s ok to cry.”

Shrugged it off no I had a job to to as I always had…made….for myself…I had to be strong. Be like rock. Be like stone. Be a True…Kanyak…

Apparently…so I’ve been told… I got angry and yelled at folk during my turn speaking at the Wake…

Apparently…got up close to the coffin…don’t remember that..

 

Kinda remember singing…and the cemetery…

Kinda…kinda…

DO remember the casket going down on its own because somehow, someones flower triggered it.

So very.

And yet…the woman who accepted me as one of her own…The Woman I trusted better than my mother…the Woman who kept accepting me back when I was too scared…because…because…I am me….

The…Prodigal…

She never once gave up on me…dammit…

Who gave me the Holy Hell What For Riot Act…and said she didn’t care that I was a Lesbian and disappeared on her daughter because…I am…Afraid……(Thank you, Victor. Once again. You’ve a braver heart than I)…

…That was a fun Christmas Eve…

…and when she was going to Hunter and taking classes…I……….May? Have counseled her once when she felt she was up to her ears…

Or maybe it was me.

I…don’t know.

I sang for her at the One Year Anniversary…

And…

Every time I hear this song…and it’s been slowed down…trust in this…

I want to this sing for everyone who has come before me and….

I see my Grandmother…I see My Aunt Joan…I see Kathy…because they…..they all had a faith…somewhere…somehow…

…and…

Yes.

Even My mother…

goddammit

So tired…

goddammit

*YANK*

 

 

 

 

 

 

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