Just Let It In

Your fear has become your shield., your exoskeleton, your outer covering the mask that gets you through the day because who you are is a fucking lie…

…your birth certificate is so bogus it really should just be made out of tissue paper and crayon. Mother’s first and middle name = True. Your full first name, hospital, time and date of popping out of her uterus = True. Everything else = False.

 

How many times had you been asked “Who are you?” in some form or another and you answered with “I’m no one”? It wasn’t snark, although it came off that way. It was truth. The truth you’d chosen for yourself because yes…you were lied to.

 

Unmoored you sought your turtle shell because it was safe there, in your misery, in your anger and your sadness and all the holy hell that your imagination could conjure up to make you feel bad about you in the desert you called your soul and you were bound and determined to scour it clean of everything…because if there was nothing left, then there was nothing to feel.

And to feel meant you were weak.

Or so you think.

You built up the walls over ages and stages as your comfort zone, your safe place where no one could touch you and fuck off leave me alone can’t you see I’m not worth it…?

Or so you think.

But…

Heh…yes. There’s always a “but”.

You met people who weren’t afraid of your walls, who were willing to scale them and patiently, lovingly, demolish them, chiseling away at the mortar, taking them apart brick by blessed brick. And you fought, you tossed more bricks on only to watch them be carefully removed again.

And you raged.

You raged…because…you realized…

They knew that the you inside wasn’t a lie.

She was a scared little girl with cynical eyes and a mouth to match, who wanted nothing more than a hand to hold because maybe then…

…maybe then she could believe that She wasn’t a lie.

And sweet baby Jesus that fear…that fear that they could see you. The real you. And you kept coming up with ways to scream”I’m no one! I’m nothing!! Can’t you see???” and feel it bone deep even though you knew you were torturing yourself…

…with a Lie.

And now…and now.

Now you’re guts out and soul out like a trout being prepared for the table…

But you know you’re not a Lie.

You can see what they see.

In you.

The fear is still there…

But the desert is slowly, slowly blooming. With colors of astounding hues and yes…there is still darkness, still shadow worlds of your making that will take time to fade if you allow them to.

But your light? Oh…sweet lovely child…your light is blinding.

 

 

 

 

 

Breathe

“If I get it all down on paper it’s no longer inside of me
threatening the life it belongs to”

 

Holidays bring up memories in some form for everyone. And I don’t care what anyone says – each and every one of us who can still feel in some small, frantic way, will have one Pang. Whether it be momentously loud in the middle of a roomful of people or soft and sinfully quiet in the dead of night.

Pang.

That twinge when you’re looking at one thing and catch something out of the corner of your eye…think you see someone who’s so long gone that when you twist your head to see the nothing that had been there you pause…because you know they were there just a moment ago and shouldn’t have been but oh…please…

Pang.

Walking through a crowd and suddenly you think you hear a voice you’ve longed to hear again call your name but…no…no one familiar is there. Just a sea of random faces and expressions who have and want nothing to do with you, and they blend and become Legion with a voice that sounds like the Tower of Babble right before God said “SHUT THE FUCK UP ALL OF YOU!” but they didn’t…they just spoke in different tongues…

Pang.

When you realize you’ve admitted to someone you’ve recently met that they remind you of someone else who you adored loved cherished because their soul glows just as big and bright and loving…and you haven’t done what you promised to their daughter and write about them so that the grandchild they knew for just a short amount of time and the grandchild they never met because life can be so fucking mean unkind cruel could maybe understand the Grandmother who brought the woman they call Mom into their world taught most of the others they call Aunt or Uncle to be the good people they are regardless of the fact that some of us are still fucked up in our way…she did this even though we weren’t bloodkin but she treated us as same…

Even The Prodigals among the bunch…

 

Pang

 

And you can’t say the same for your own Mother. Because what she taught was hold it in hold it in wear the fucking mask fake it you won’t make it but fake it anyway because hey it works…until you wake up in a cold sweat at night hearing the aria from La Bohème in your head and you know that mask she wore was off because it’s now suddenly 3:00 am on a school night and she’s hammered listening to the aria at volume 43 because she’s wishing the man she fucked was still there and you’re just that god awful reminder of love’s labor’s lost to her on some level…

And the last mask you ever saw on her comes with a sound that triggers you when you hear even a hint of the

*Whoooosh….fwuuuz…whooooosh…..fwuzzz*

And the lips that used to yell at you call you stupid holler at the TV tell you to take a letter to the Olympic committee laugh like the devil himself when she was happy and sometimes if you were lucky when you were older say the words “I love you”

…are sewn shut.

 

 

Pang

 

 

And you hold out your hand…a hand that changed diapers for your grandmother and mother…a hand that clenches so tightly sometimes from the anger that you manage the way a fireman on the old steam locomotives managed the boiler so that the engine didn’t blow skythefuckhigh…

And sometimes he wasn’t good enough, and it blew skythefuckhigh…leaving mangled bodies and twisted steel and damaged goods flung across the landscape like a child flinging a handful of sand  and laughing as she does…

And you hold out your hand…fear unnerving cold deep in your gut because you know you’re disobeying and not wearing the mask you were taught to wear but Christ it’s stifling not you never been you you were never meant to be masked so hard to breathe in it let me be let me be let me be me I know I can do it…

…damaged goods decidedly but decidedly good still and all…

And…and you hold out your hand…

…and breathe.

 

“And feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd ’cause these words are my diary screaming out loud
And I know that you’ll use them
However you want to”

Garbage – Only Happy When It Rains (Live “Album De La Semaine” 2012) – YouTube

Shirley Manson.

Her voice is astonishing to me.

 

I remember a time.. riding the 7 train… and all I was listening to was “Garbage”, and :”Garbage 2.0″.

The first thing on MY bucket list?……Is to be able to see Garbage in concert.

Second thing is to get a full nights sleep.

I’ve been told I need to aim higher.

 

A full night’s sleep is my threshold at the moment.

And so.

And thus.

And you get TWO versions.

The second version? Is the older.

Happy Holidays.