This is gonna hurt. Me. Not you. So please continue reading.
The Anniversary of my Mother’s death was yesterday. I dealt with it by getting out of bed and going to work. Then by being unfocused for most of the day.But that’s me most days.
A friend sent me a text message at 10:51 am saying “Hey – I know today will suck but hopefully you can find some solace in happy memories.” I didn’t respond until about 6:34ish (I keep my phone away from me at work. Just me), saying “Distracted at work, but I kinda like your idea. We’ll see.”
Paraphrasing isn’t even close to what I said, but it’s the ultimate gist.
Long story short. Got home, fired up the laptop, started farting around, hit WinAmp…
I’d forgotten about this song. (I’m good at forgetting lately.) Decided to listen to it.
We were all Tigers.
She was alone, with her Elder Tiger (my Gran). She did exactly what her mom had done. And here I was.
Cats don’t play fair. Dogs know where they’re ranked in the pack. Cats? If you survive? You’ve won. Doesn’t matter how many scars, missing ear or tail-tips. You breathe? You move? You sniff you smell you sense you taste you touch you meow you yowl you bristle you purr you breathe?
Is there sadness yes there is and yes it’s overwhelming when you look back and say “CHRIST what did I do????”
And the sadness will ever be in your eyes, etched on your face.
I hear me and Mom in this song. And Mom and Gran in this song.
(there may well be mischievousness somewhere along the line. Was told I get mine from Gran…Be that as it may…)
Yes, the end is discordant. But, then again, so is Death. No matter how much you know it’s coming, you’re never ready.
And, if you’ve spent both of your lives trying to avoid absolute honesty?
It ends badly for the one who survives. But. then again…I get to both learn, and teach from those mistakes. And maybe….
…Just maybe, someone will be my Bright Tiger. And maybe I’ll have done a little bit of good in this world.
I can hope, anyway. Where there is Life, there is Hope.
We were all Tigers. My Grandma. Mom. Me.
I Am My Mother’s Bright Tiger.
It scares the everliving shit out of me.
But I will walk well. Just as she did. And just as Gran did.
We Walk Well, We Do.
We have to.
And We Always Have.